Money for Couples: How Buying a Fitbit Strengthened My Marriage

We found ourselves in Nebraska Furniture Mart, a giant department store where shopping carts are more like yachts. I had been eyeing up a Fitbit tracker for about six months. I felt like it would keep us active. My wife Katie loves data, and we could track our health.

I persuaded Katie to look at the trackers. The salesman showed us the models, told us the differences and we both decided the one with GPS was the one we wanted. With GPS, Katie could get maps of her runs and cycling. I was super excited we were going to do it.

Then I felt Katie going weird. Have you ever been about to do something and felt your partner’s energy change? I asked the salesman to give us a moment.

“What’s wrong, Katie?”

“I am… not sure we need them?”

“Why not?”

“We don’t need them.”

“They will improve our lives.”

“I don’t want to spend the money.”

“Why, we have enough!”

It went downhill from there. It became an angry argument in the store, with us both walking off separately to sulk in different departments. I was angry that I wasn’t allowed to spend money on something I genuinely believed would improve our lives; Katie was upset and sad that we had argued.

Ever argued about money only to realize it isn’t about the money?

The phantom person in your relationship

Your relationship with another human can be tough enough without adding a third party to the mix. No, I am not talking about polyamory, I am talking about money. Just like the ghosts of former romantic partners, your partner came to the relationship with a money history that may or not be in alignment with your own.

Let me share with you the painful and hard-fought lessons we have learned in the 19 years we have been together: Mastering communication about money is the key to keeping your relationship as strong as your bank account.

Once a year, every year, Katie and I run Rebel Finance School, a 10-week free program that teaches people financial basics. 10,000 people in 40 countries joined us in 2024. The number one complaint from our students is that they can’t get their partner on board with working on their finances. Sometimes, it’s not only that they can’t get their partner on board but also that the partner is actively working against them, digging a financial hole the couple won’t be able to get out of.

The lament from our students about their partners is that they won’t track their spending, they aren’t interested in budgeting, and they won’t help. I have learned over the years that NO ONE cares about budgeting, tracking spending, and sitting with a spreadsheet until they know their why.

What is your ‘why?’

Instead of starting a money conversation with your partner grounded in details and numbers, start to try and uncover their vision of the future. If your partner isn’t on board or doesn’t have a vision of their own, they will have no motivation to crunch numbers at all. You can help them uncover their vision and reason ‘why’ so they are excited to go on this journey with you. There are two ways to do this — the power of questions and then the power of pitching a vision.

Before your partner budgets with you, you need to understand them. Ask questions. If you didn’t have to work, what would you do with your time? Have you ever had a bucket list? If you had $10,000 and you HAD to spend it, what would you spend it on? Get them thinking about what they would do if they had the money.

If they don’t have ideas, pitch them some of your own. “I want us to quit our jobs, firewalk in Fiji, go to Hobbiton in New Zealand, and live life on our own terms.” Notice what they react positively to. Be curious about what excites them, and create a compelling vision of your future that they would be happy to budget, to create.

A partner, not a parent

There are a few key phrases that should be forbidden in relationships. “Why did you buy that?” is one of them. If it comes out of your mouth, know that you have made a mistake; making amends is in order. It doesn’t take much to make people feel judged and guilty for their spending.

Does your partner hide their purchases? Do they spend in cash or on certain cards so you can’t see it? If people feel like they can’t spend without judgment, they end up hiding their spending. Judgment and criticism can lead you down a path that many couples can’t come back from.

One way to solve this problem is to each have your own “no-judgement budget” to do whatever you want with. A monthly amount on which there is no oversight. If they want to spend their money on Lego, clothes or expensive spa days, it’s up to them. If you want to invest the money or spend it all on a personal trainer, that is up to you. You are not their parent, you are a partner.

Gift your partner the freedom to spend on what is important to them.

Leave judgement at the door

When we first learnt about financial independence (FI), we got super excited and wanted to “help” all of our friends! We would judge them for all their purchases. “Why have you bought that new car? What a waste of money!” We would tell them about FI and say, “All you need to do is invest £1M, and you will be free!” and other really endearing things like that. It is remarkable we still have friends after this period!

We finally got through to our friends by living our best life. We saved, we invested, we talked to them about what we were doing, and, eventually, we retired early and went traveling. I think this shocked them, to see us out in the world doing exactly what we wanted to do. They started to get interested in us and what we were doing and ask questions. Once they start to ask questions, then you know you have them!

Bring them to you by living your best-ever life.

Build your future… together

The extraordinary belongs to those who create it.

After 10 minutes or so of sulking time in the store, Katie and I found our way back to each other.

“I think we should get them,” she said, calmer now. “I remember our why.”

Katie and I achieved the goal of being financially independent so we could travel the world, live on beaches, and eat eggs benedict with amazing coffee whenever we wanted. We still have problems — we are human, after all — but we share a common vision, our very own version of extraordinary that we built by working together.

Those Fitbits have now traveled thousands of miles with us, to the Andes mountains in Colombia, hiking in the Swiss-German Alpes and across the Tongariro Crossing in New Zealand. They have tracked life and motivated us to move more.

Your future with your partner is whatever you choose to make of it. With a no-judgement zone and a shared vision, you can inspire each other to use money to create an extraordinary future.

Katie and Alan Donegan are the founders of Rebel Finance School, Rebel Business School and the Rebel Entrepreneur podcast, dedicated to helping people design extraordinary lives. They are authors of the upcoming book, The Rebel’s Guide to Financial Freedom, due out in Spring 2025. Contact them at hello@rebeldonegans or via their website.

Alan retired at 40 years old after learning to save and invest and now he teaches others to do the same through the award-winning Rebel Finance School! What’s the secret? Decrease your spending, focus on earning more and invest the difference in simple global index funds or ETFs! Since retiring Alan has travelled the world, received a British Empire Medal for services to financial education, written a book and eaten too many almond croissants.