Hi Ruth,
I recently discovered that my partner has been hiding significant financial decisions from me by making a couple of large purchases without discussing them as a couple. I’m feeling quite betrayed. We’ve always been open about our finances, or so I thought. How can we regain control of our finances and make sure this situation doesn’t derail our plans?
That’s a big one. Your spouse actively and deliberately hiding significant financial decisions is a red flag for your relationship. You are right to be concerned, as financial infidelity can be reasonably damaging to your long-term relationship if you don’t deal with it now. All is not lost. Let’s try to understand what is going on in your relationship so you can endeavour to rebuild the trust that has been lost.
I’m an advocate of shared finances in general, and one of the reasons is that it’s tough for one spouse to have a financial affair (because that is what financial infidelity is) when you are both open and transparent with your money in the first place. It’s very difficult for one to mismanage money when the other is watching. Shared finances promote open and honest dialogue from the get-go. If you can put some boundaries in place as to how you will handle money as an individual and as a team, it slows down the chances of someone upsetting the other.
You both need the complete picture of where the financial infidelity has taken place. Immediately set a time to calmly and rationally put all their cards on the table. If the initial disclosure was by accident, which it appears to have been, and they didn’t mean for you to find out, you may have caught your partner off guard, and there might still be some more transactions to find the light of day. A calm discussion will allow them to tell all, so you can compile a complete list of the purchases and decisions they made without your knowledge.
Although it may hurt and cause shame, honesty is the best policy. Face this head-on.
To reestablish trust, they must tell you the truth — no fudging or grey areas. They can talk to you openly and honestly. It can be tough for someone who knows they have mucked up and hurt their partner to face up to the truth, and even though you are rightfully feeling hurt and let down, support them and encourage them to speak openly. Even if the truth means that your actions may have had something to do with them making financial decisions without your knowledge, ask them to tell you about it. Gently find out what financial decision was so urgent that they thought they couldn’t gain your input.
Promise to refrain from ‘fixing it’ or ‘judging’ their actions while they are as open with you as possible about why they made the financial decisions they made in secret in the first place.
Explaining their ‘why’ will lead to more profound questions about how you have dealt with money in your relationship until now. What pushed them to do this? Why didn’t they feel they could communicate with you?
The truth may be hard to hear, as it may point out issues in your relationship, but you may as well go all in and find out. Their actions may go far deeper than money.
Were they aware they were derailing your shared financial plans? When we were young, single, and independent, we got to make our own decisions. When you enter into a relationship, you give up some of that independence for the greater collective good, and often, there are a lot of grey areas. Are you sure you both understand the direction you are headed in? Were they even aware that their actions were jeopardizing shared goals?
It’s time to redefine and recommit to your financial goals and budget accordingly. If you have always communicated openly about your finances up until now, go back and start at the beginning. What was it like then? And what does it feel like now? What’s changed, and how can you adjust that so that both of you feel like your needs are being met?
If you have discussed the how and why and worked on where the lines of communication fell apart, then it’s time to create a plan together about how you will fix the financial problems their infidelity caused. I’d be having weekly budget meetings for the next few months.
If you used to work as a team, your goal should be to get back to that point. Therefore, if your partner has taken on debt, how will you both pay it off? If an item has been purchased, can it be sold, or do you both agree to keep it? If you have always shared your finances, this is another hurdle to face together, using some common sense PocketSmith budgeting. Pushing the problem solely onto them by saying they must fix it will only lead to greater friction in your relationship.
This time, they messed up; next time, it might be you. Fix it together, and next time, if you need their support, you will have it.
Go back to your basic budgeting and see what changes you need to make to ensure you both have the money to do and buy the things you want. You are two different people, each with different needs, and you can find a compromise that leads to the greater good.
If my husband came to me and admitted to financial infidelity, and it was entirely at odds with the rest of our relationship, I’d be right at his side working through the problem. The trust can be rebuilt in a situation like this. However, if this were just another letdown in a series of letdowns, I’d be seeking some couples counselling to address deeper issues.
However, if after moving heaven and earth to be the best and most supportive spouse I could be and financial infidelity happened a second time, I’d seriously look to call time on my relationship. Financial infidelity is a relationship red flag, and to do it once can be forgiven, but to do it repeatedly, in my view, cannot. They might not be the one for you after all.
Got a burning money question for Ruth? Send them through to [email protected]!
Ruth blogs at thehappysaver.com all about how she and her family handle money. What’s the secret? Spend less than you earn, invest the difference, avoid debt and budget each dollar that flows through your hands. She firmly believes that if you can just get the basics right, life becomes easier from there on in.
